【www.shanpow.com--英文简历】
【一】:看笑话学英语笑话大全爆笑翻译
1.One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
2.The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
疯人院
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑！”另一个说：“你怎么知道？”第一个人说：“上帝对我说的！”一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说！”
Notes:
（1）Looney (俚语）疯子
（2）inmate （n.同住者, 同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）
（3）insane asylum (疯人院）
3.Boxing and Running
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box."
Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."
拳击和赛跑
丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”
朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”
丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”
NOTE
come up against 遇到一个对手 against表示相对的相反的
4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell.
So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?"
George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!"
典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。
因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”
乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”
5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。
6.A shoplifter（商店扒手）51kxh.cn |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook（骗子，坏蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”
经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。"
7.The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by asentry（哨兵） . When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams（缝合线） . [来自我要看笑话51kxh.cn]
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.www.shanpow.com_学习英语的笑话。
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender（酒保） .
【二】:英语学习笑话
爆笑英语笑话：你的钟准吗
关键词:笑话
Stupid Question
Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"
After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.
“Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.
But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?”
愚蠢的问题
丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点？”
几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。
“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。
可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗？”
吃零食学英语
“地球村”时代，英语和中文也全球化了。爱吃零食的你怎能不会看包装袋的英文呢？小心哦，不要一不留神，营养没跟上，脂肪增加不少了哟。健康又美味，包装英语跟我学! 国外食品的包装上，都有非常完整的“营养明细”nutrition facts，不过，国内许多产品的包装
上也开始印上英文罗。现在，让我们好好比较比较，看看食品包装上中、英文名称的大不同 吧。
我们在商店买到的饼干包装上，有完整的“产品成份”ingredients / /标示，但在国外许多食品
的包装上，还可以看到以下的内容：
Nutrition FactsServing Size 5 pieces (55 g)Servings Per Container About 5 Amount Per Serving
Calories 150 Fat Cal.50 %DV*
Total Fat 8g 10%
Sat. Fat 5g 17%
Cholesterol 0mg 0%
Sodium 155mg 6%
Total Carb. 20g 6%
Fiber 0g 0%
Sugars 10g
Protein 5g
Vitamin A 0% Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 3% Iron 5%
*Percent Daily Values (DV)are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.
营养明细每份五片（55克）每包约5份
每份含量
热量 150卡 50卡来自脂肪
占每日所需标准百分比*
脂肪总量 8克 10%
饱和脂肪 5克 17%
胆固醇 0毫克 0%
钠 155毫克 6%
碳水化合物总量 20克 6%
纤维质 0克 0%
糖 10克
蛋白质 5克
维化命A 0% 维他命C 0%
钙 3% 铁5%
*每日所需标准百分比，是以热量2000卡之膳食为计算标准。
以下是食品包装营养明细表上常会出现的字，赶快认识，谨记心上吧!
calorie / / 热量，卡路里
calories from fat 来自脂肪热量（有些包装会简写为fat cal.）
% daily value 每日所需标准百分比（有些包装会简写为%DV）
fat / / 脂肪
saturated fat / / 饱和脂肪（有些包装会简写为sat. fat）
cholesterol / / 胆固醇 （有些包装会简写为cholest.）
sodium / / 钠
carbohydrate / / 碳水化合物（有些包装会简写为carb.）
dietary fiber/ / 膳食纤维
sugar / / 糖
protein / / 蛋白质
calcium / / 钙
iron / / 铁
thiamin(e) / / 维他命B1
riboflavin / / 核黄素
niacin / / 尼克酸
folic acid / / 叶酸
phosphorus / / 磷
no preservatives / / 无防腐剂
english joke 小笑话
关键词:笑话 One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin. Girl: Father, I have sinned. Preacher: What did you do, little girl¡ Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch. Preacher: Why¡ What did he do to you¡ Girl: He touched my breast. Preacher: You mean like this¡ (The guy did it.) Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes. Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth. Preacher: You mean like this¡ (He did it again.) Girl: Yes, thats what he did. Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that. Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what... Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this¡ (And you-know-what) Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did... Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a... Girl: But he had AIDS!! Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
JOKE|英语小笑话
关键词:笑话
JOKE 1
Wife talking to her husband (who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily
JOKE 2
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!
JOKE 3
At midnight father saw that his married son leaving home... He asks him: what are you doing?
The son replied: Dad I am fed up with my life! My newly marriage is not going well, my wife and my mom keep fighting with each other! I have to pay bills for my in-laws, and I hate this life!!! I want to go far from here, I want to taste every joy of life, and I want to have every fun of life!!!
Father said: Wait!!!!!!!! I am coming with you
JOKE 4
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answered: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you? The husband laughed and said: An English girl!!!
The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picked her up in the airport and asked: So honey, how was the trip?
The wife: Very good, thank you.
The husband: And, what happened to my present?
The wife: Which present?
The husband: What I asked for: the English girl?
The wife: Oh, that! Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it’s a girl!!!
JOKE 5
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked woman with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn 't like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for? " The husband replies, "autumn. "
JOKE 6
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks(打) him on the head with a frying pan. "What the hell was that for? " he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary Ellen written on it, " she replies. Don 't be silly, " he says. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races(赛马),Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on. " She seems satisfied at this, and she apologizes. Three days later he 's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails(打，俚语) him with an even bigger frying pan,knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he asks again, "What the hell was that for? " "Your fucking horse just phoned. "
JOKE 7
Wife to husband: you were so drunk last night that you insulted your boss. Husband: piss on him! Wife: you did and he fired you!
Husband: fuck him!www.shanpow.com_学习英语的笑话。
Wife: I did and you can go back to work tomorrow.
JOKE 8
A couple drove several miles down a country road with intense silence. Not a word was said to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules(骡子) and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours? " "Yep, " the husband replied, "in-laws ".
英文简历
关键词:笑话
面试人员给一位前来应征的男士一张履历表，于是就填了这样的信息——
姓名：English or Chinese英文的还是中文的？
年龄：Confidential（这是私人问题）
身高：Not related to the job（这跟工作有关系么）
体重：Varies all the time before lunch or after（随时改变，饭前饭后都不同）
居住地：At what stage of my life please be more specific（那是一个特别的地方，我生命的舞台）
电话：Ericsson（爱立信手机）
电子邮件：Only give to pretty and rich girls（只留给漂亮和富有的女孩）
上班时间：The shorter the better（越短越好）
应征职位：
A position that has not much to do but surround by pretty and young girls（找一个不做什么实事，但能被美女包围的职位）
学历：Graduated at the wild chicken university（毕业于一个你找不着的大学）
语言能力：Fluent in bullshits（侃大山是专长）
